Release Date: February 19th,
2014
***
My uncle raped me.
I was 10 years old when it started.
At 13 he told me I was no longer wanted because I had started to
develop.
At 16 I was ready to kill him.
Today, I’m broken.
Today, I only breathe to survive.
My name’s Sergeant Major Ryan Jenkins and today, I’m ready to tell you
my story.
*****
“Master would flog me if I did, she won’t be happy when I tell her what
happened here.”
“Master?”
“Stella.”
Oh, Master.
* CHAPTER 1 *
The lyrics of ‘Now Comes the Night’ tell me not to be afraid. But afraid is exactly what I am.
Afraid to close my eyes.
Afraid to have them open.
Afraid of all the years that were taken from me.
Afraid of the hurt that exists in every part of my broken soul.
Afraid to live.
Sitting in my lounge room with a tumbler of Jack in my hand all I can do is stare around the havoc that is
my life, everywhere I look I see the mess that surrounds me.
In one corner there are newspapers and bills which are stacked in piles, dishevelled, a lot like my mind.
In another corner, discarded dirty clothes that are waiting for them to be picked up and cared for,
exactly like my body.
Behind me lies rubbish strewn carelessly, hoping that one day they’ll be thrown out, exactly like my soul.
It’s been twenty three years since the first night where that beast touched me. Twenty three years of
embarrassment and shame have followed and enveloped me. Twenty three years have gone by where
only one living being knows what happened, the beast that I didn’t get to kill.
The day I turned sixteen was the day I was going to kill him, it was also the day that my mom intervened
and enrolled me into the army. I woke up that morning knowing I was going to take
his life, but I
went to bed that night in quarters with another twenty nine males.
My mom couldn’t tolerate my behaviour any longer, the fighting, the hatred I had towards everyone,
the dark words that I’d spit out at anyone that would listen. No one understood why I was like that, so I
was shipped out with my mom packing my bags and taking me to the barracks herself.
That was also the best decision she could’ve made for me. In the seventeen years since I’ve been in the
army, I’ve quickly raised through the ranks. I’m a Sargent Major with a thousand men to command, this
is the easy part. Being given orders and following them to a tee then commanding my men in the way
The United States Army has trained me to.
At work I’m totally in control, I expect absolute excellence and I certainly don’t tolerate ill behaviour.
The Army’s taught me patience and control. But no matter what I do, the moment I’m home and the
uniform comes off, I can’t find that balance and I can’t bring that control over to my personal life.
I’m sure on the outside I look like a man that has it all, a man other men envy, a man others want to be,
a man women want and a man most would want in their existence.
But, I don’t wish my life on anyone.
My phone starts ringing, and all my now sluggish brain can do is look around from the chair I’ve sunk
into and wonder where in this hell hole my phone is.
Throwing back the contents of the tumbler, I feel the burn slide down my throat, and its enticing
temporary numbing ways makes me forget, even for a split second what exactly I’m looking for.
But it rings again, and this time I know that I need to answer it. It may be Joanna calling me about Lucy.
Maybe Lucy’s hurt, maybe I need to get to her quickly. My mind instantly clears and I jump out of the
seat, because if I need to get to my daughter, then I don’t want to be in this mindset. The phone stops
ringing while I look for it, but starts again with the same standard ring tone. I finally find it, buried in the
bottom of my work bag.
Looking at the screen it’s coming up a private number. Thank god, it’s not Joanna.
“Hello.” My voice is all rough from the burn of the liquid that allows me a sliver of sanity.
“Ryan, you sound like shit.”
“Mason, fuck man. The hell happened to you?” Mason Carter’s my best friend since I can remember.
Actually he’s my only friend since I can remember.
“I got a couple of weeks off from shooting and I’m back. You got Lucy this weekend?”
“Nah, Joanna has her. What have you got in mind?”
“I’m thinking of coming up for a few days, to spend some time with my best mate. What do you think
Ry, can you fit me into your busy schedule?” he says with a chuckle in his voice.
And my stomach does that little twist it always did when I’d hear Mason laugh. I’m not gay, I don’t do
guys, but Mason being around always did something to me. I noticed it after
he told me
he
no longer wanted me. I mean that’s pretty fucked up right?
“Sounds great, you got somewhere to stay?” I can feel my own blood starting to pump harder through
my body.
“I was hoping on staying with you. Look, I’ve been invited to an awards event Saturday night. Wanna
come as my plus one?” He lets out another chuckle.
“What the fuck, Mase. Really? Take a woman with you.”
“She’s the one that told me to meet her there.” I feel a slight twinge of disappointment, he has a
woman? I mean I should be delighted for him, shouldn’t I?
“Oh, who is she?” I ask feigning happiness for him.
“I’ll tell you about it when I see you, bro. Gotta go, so I’ll see you on Friday. What time are you due
home from work?”
“I’ll be home by 1700. I can leave a key with Kaitlyn next door though if you’re coming earlier.”
“Nah 5pm works for me, see you then.” He hangs up and I go over and sink back into my seat. I let the
worn fabric of the chair scratch up against the backs of my legs as I replay the conversation I just had
with my best friend.
I hear his chuckle again and my cock twitches in my shorts. Closing my eyes I try and not imagine how he
looks.
The second last time I saw him he was detoxing and looked like shit, his straggly oily hair hung over his
face, and his body was too skinny. He look almost emaciated, his skin was too big for his body with his
bones protruding through.
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